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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30055347">losing to the storm</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/wegotogether/pseuds/wegotogether'>wegotogether</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Depression, Don't worry, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Yasha-centric (Critical Role), it's the overall feeling of grief, none of the nine are dead</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 16:34:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,022</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30055347</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/wegotogether/pseuds/wegotogether</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The storm is oncoming, and only she can see it. The bright colors remind her of those lost.</p><p>--</p><p>(there's also Jester and Yasha with flowers)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Beauregard Lionett/Yasha</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>64</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>losing to the storm</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>The flowers were entirely self-indulgent. Hopefully, this is sad but hopeful because it's not very good, but hopefully, there's that.</p><p>Music I wrote to: Black Flies by Ben Howard</p><p>Unbeta'd</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> Losing people is inevitable. Loving is inevitable. I am afraid both will be you. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>Yasha ran a hand along her jaw, feeling the small imperfections. The scars. There weren’t many, but enough to remind her of the times blades were held against her. Threatening her.</p><p>Threats did nothing to her now. She was used to them.</p><p>She was used to the violence of people. It was <em> new, </em> and it wouldn’t be something forgotten- as much as she wished it would fade away, to never have to face again.</p><p>(it was ridiculous, but she still dreamt of a nice quiet life for herself.)</p><p>She was used to the abuse of a world that did not care for her.</p><p>Yasha watched as Jester threw the rock in her hands towards Beau next to her, mid-sentence. Her hand shot out, placing a steady yet firm hand to the small of Beau’s back, and kept her upright when Beau began to topple and fall.</p><p>Beau blinked as Jester giggled before offering a small guilty ‘sorry.’. Beau turned her head to blink up at Yasha who glanced down at her with a soft smile, hand still pressed to her back. Slowly Beau grinned back and Yasha felt her smile grow.</p><p>“What the fuck was that?” Beau turned to Jester to ask.</p><p>“I’m sorry! You were making a big <em> deal </em> out of your reflexes so-” Yasha tuned their conversation out as she crossed her arms and moved her head to look forward again.</p><p>She glanced, to the corner of her eye, as Beau flailed her arms, and couldn’t stop herself from smiling at the sight. She took a step closer to Beau, just in case. Beau didn’t seem to notice, she didn’t seem to care.</p><p>It felt nice.</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Loving fully is a waste, you will only lose more, and you cannot afford that. </em>
</p><p>Yasha let out a soft sigh, turning her head back to the group surrounding the campfire. She didn’t approach, instead choosing to sit on the log furthest from them, overlooking the hill. It gave her the view of the storm approaching.</p><p>It was a ways off, but the sight was beautiful. Dark grey clouds lit up with purples and blues as heavy rain poured down. The field spanned for miles, full of beautiful yellow and pink flowers with mismatched red-ones. She didn’t know their name, but, she’d seen them before.</p><p>A few next to the log she sat down at, Yasha bent down to pick a red and yellow flower. She sat back up and wove them together in a chain.</p><p>She heard the soft patter of feet approaching, she didn’t stop, instead, reaching down to pick up more. She hummed lightly, to herself, and moved to the left a little as Jester took a seat next to her. </p><p>Jester leaned forward, putting her elbows on her knees, and her chin in both hands as she stared at Yasha, her tail shipping behind her lightly out of curiosity. Yasha welcomed the quiet companionship for as long as it would last.</p><p>After a few moments, Jester stood up, and Yasha looked up curiously. Jester smiled but motioned an arm out to the field down the hill. Yasha stood up quietly and followed her, flower chain in hand. Their previous silence stretched.</p><p>Jester took her thirty feet from the others, down the hill, and sat in the middle of a soft parade of pink and yellow with red flickers. It was thick, and Yasha nodded her approval. Jester had a good eye for these things. </p><p>Jester turned to look up at her and held a hand out. Yasha, confused, scrunched her face and held out her free hand. Jester, however, giggled and pointed to the flower chain in her hand. </p><p>“Oh.” Yasha gave it to her.</p><p>Jester gave her a toothy grin, tail flickering, and began to weave more flowers into the chain.</p><p>“I’ll make you something!” </p><p>Yasha hesitated, before she took a seat in front of Jester, gently. Looking around herself, there were plenty of flowers- she’d make a crown for Jester in return. So she did. </p><p>They both focused on their own projects. Yasha found small blue flowers that reminded her of Jester, she wove into her crown, at different points. Each four inches apart with pink and red flowers, and a couple of yellow ones. </p><p>When she was happy with its design, she nodded to herself, glancing back up at the storm clouds, still far away. She stood up slowly and bent back down to drop the crown on top of Jester’s head.</p><p>Jester blinked, coming out of her focus, and touched the top of her head. A bright smile bloomed across her face as she beamed up at Yasha who smiled back down at her.</p><p>Jester was loud, but, her soul was soft and quiet. She was loving, so fully, and it reminded Yasha how hard it was <em> not </em> to love fully. Like she wanted. </p><p>“I’m done!”</p><p>Jester bounced onto her feet, and Yasha blinked. She seemed to effortlessly do it one bounce, a maneuver that reminded her so much of Beau- her heart fluttered at the thought of Beau -and she paused.</p><p>Jester, twirling on her feet, danced around Yasha, with permission. (Yasha had nodded when Jester looked up at her.) And wrapped the chain around Yasha’s waist four-time, before, at an angle, draping it around her right shoulder twice. Yasha was glad she’d chosen to take her gear off, too. As a last touch, Jester held her right arm up, and wrapped it around the full length of her arm, like a wide coil before wrapping it around her wrist five times and tying it off there.</p><p>When Jester was satisfied, she took a step back and grinned as she clapped.</p><p>“There! You are beautiful!”</p><p>“I am?” Yasha asked, holding her arms up, and glancing down at herself.</p><p>“Well,” Jester took a step closer and held a hand to her mouth like what she’d had to say was meant for only Yasha, and Yasha leaned in to hear her, “Don’t tell Beau, but you are always beautiful.” Jester leaned back then with a grin. “But now! You are very colorful-beautiful!”</p><p>Yasha’s brows dipped, “Why should we not tell Beau?”</p><p>Jester shrugged her shoulders dramatically with a grin.</p><p>“‘Cause, you know, she’s the one who tells us all the time.”</p><p>
  <em> Oh. Beau thinks I’m- </em>
</p><p>Yasha cleared her throat, pushing the thought away, and smiled down at Jester who smiled back. She nodded softly at Jester.</p><p>“Thank you, Jester. I needed- ah- the colors.”</p><p>Jester clasped her hands behind her back and stood on the tips of her toes.</p><p>“Of course! Colors always help, plus! We're best friends! And, to be honest, Beau would have found you quicker, if Fjord hadn’t needed her help with something.”</p><p>Yasha nodded, unsure of how to feel about that.</p><p>Before she knew it, Jester wrapped her arms around Yasha’s waist and held her tightly. Yasha slowly wrapped her arms around Jester as well and squeezed gently. Afraid to hurt her. </p><p>Jester pulled her head back to look up at Yasha, flower crown crooked slightly, so Yasha moved both of her hands to fix it. Jester grinned at her. Yasha smiled back.</p><p>“I was serious.”</p><p>“About what?” Yasha asked curiously.</p><p>“We are best friends! You know!” </p><p>Yasha couldn’t stop her smile from growing again. She wrapped her arms around Jester and squeezed again. Jester hugged her in return before turning back.</p><p>They both stood at the bottom of the hill for a few minutes, watching the dark storm clouds in the distance.</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, hey so-” </p><p>Beau stopped in front of her, hands coming up in erratic gestures before she’d even said a word. Jester maneuvered away from them, ducking underneath an arm that Beau swung too far.</p><p>Yasha blinked, and Beau suddenly paused her face turning into an odd expression of concern that Yash knew far too well. She- <em> loved </em> the others, but Beau sought her out and reassured her more than the others. Beau knew her better, emotionally, but Yasha wasn’t sure what had given it away.</p><p>She hadn’t- she hadn’t really looked weird. Or acted weird. She’d tried not to, because <em> explaining </em> how she felt was hard. Especially when she felt like <em> this. </em></p><p>
  <strike> (Good for nothing, a betrayer, a hindrance, grieving, <b> <em>fearful.</em> </b> ) </strike>
</p><p>She blinked again.</p><p>“Are you okay?” Beau asked suddenly, “you seem- different?”</p><p>Yasha’s brows dipped, she glanced down at the flowers still tied around her. Was that it? Was that so weird?</p><p>“But- I like flowers?” She tried, looking back up at Beau.</p><p>Beau shook her head, raising her hands, palms up, and sighed like she’d realized what she’d said didn’t make sense. It had, sort of. </p><p>“No, no. I know- and wow you look <em> gorgeous- </em>” Yasha blinked in shock, her mouth opening and closing for a second, “-that’s not what I- I meant. I don’t know...you’re usually so...straight-backed? Like you walk with pride? There’s like- I don’t know, something in your eyes. I just- Yash- are you okay?”</p><p>It took Yasha a moment to fully understand, Beau spoke at a faster speed than normal. It wasn’t like the times she’d figured something big out, but it was more like an embarrassed speed. <em> Still, </em> she cared. </p><p>Yasha thought, for a second, about lying. About saying she was fine. </p><p>
  <strike> <em> It doesn’t matter. Steady hands, pillar feet. That’s all that’s needed of me- </em> </strike>
</p><p>This was <em> Beau, </em> though. Lying felt wrong. Especially <em> no. </em></p><p>She let out a soft breath and said, “No.”</p><p>Beau’s brows dipped in concern as she brought a hand out, wrapping gently around the flower chain-wrapped wrist. Yasha appreciated the gesture.</p><p>“What’s wrong?”</p><p>Yasha paused. Beau blinked, having not expected that, but she didn’t seem upset. Just surprised Yasha seemed to hesitate. <em> That </em> didn’t happen often. </p><p>“You don’t have to tell me.”</p><p>“I want to,” Yasha admitted, deflating.</p><p>“Are you ready to, yet?” Beau took a step closer, lowering her voice so only Yasha could hear her, “It’s okay if you’re not.”</p><p>Yasha thought about it for a second. </p><p>“I am. I just- don’t have the proper words.” </p><p>Beau nodded, “Well, I have all the time in the world. We can sit and let you think about it if that’s okay? If you can’t find the words, that’s okay too. You will eventually and I’ll listen.”</p><p>Yasha nodded, offering a half-smile.</p><p>“I’d like that.”</p><p>Beau bounced on her heels, leaning up into Yasha’s space to press a kiss to her cheek before dropping back to the bottoms of her feet and taking a few steps back with a soft smile.</p><p>“Cool, let me just tell the others where we’re going!” </p><p>Yasha watched her go, and carefully crossed her arms.</p><p>
  <em> It is very hard to not love. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>They sat in silence for a while. Beau didn’t seem to mind, sitting in quiet seemed to be something she understood all too well, or she was at least understanding that Yasha needed the quiet.</p><p>Yasha ran a thumb over the flower chain wrapped around her wrist. She’d been very careful not to break it, and Beau hadn’t questioned where it came from. She seemed to get it was Jester’s idea. She respected it but had glanced at it. It was beautiful, Jester knew colors and flowers well.</p><p>It was hard to <em> word </em> how she felt. It was something she put into words often or even thought of, it was just something so felt so often it was apart of herself.</p><p>It had no direction. No beginning. No end. It was a constant wave that fluctuated how close to shore it was. It brought memories, bad, good, and the deep-seated feelings that were usually so easily pushed aside to the shore. </p><p>There was no name for it. No cause. It just <em> was, </em> and it was within <em> her. </em></p><p>As good as things could be, it was there. It was always there. Something she could not fix. Something that whispered in her ear how useless she was, how burdening she was, how wasteful all of this was- and she fought it constantly. An exhausting thing.</p><p>She <em> knew </em> these people, this family- her tribe, was worth it. It just, sometimes, made sense.</p><p>She didn’t know how to describe it, but, she was willing to try. For Beauregard. For all of them.</p><p>“I am...struggling.” Yasha began, pausing to see if Beau would say anything, she didn’t so Yasha continued, “With something I do not know how to...name. I know it is partially-”</p><p>She took a moment, collecting her thoughts, and Beau let her. Patiently waiting as she watched Yasha carefully and attentively.</p><p>“-partially born of...loss. Grief. I do not- understand it fully.”</p><p>Beau’s face shifted, and Yasha knew Beau wanted to comfort her, but refrained. She kept her hands in her lap respectively, and let Yasha speak.</p><p>Yasha was grateful.</p><p>“I suppose I am...lamenting, I think?” Yasha sighed, frustrated with her inability to describe it properly, “But it is also...<em> more. </em> I think lamenting has- ah- kickstarted <em> this, </em> but it is more. Does this make sense so far?”</p><p>Beau paused a second, before nodding to make sure it actually <em> did </em> make sense. Yasha nodded, relieved, and turned her body slowly in the grass they sat in, to focus on Beau.</p><p>“What I feel is...a sense of sadness, I guess. Sadness that truly doesn’t have a reason to exist, it just- uhm, does. It’s- It’s like- a light rain during a storm. It’s there, but not bad, however, you’ve been through enough storms to know it could turn...awful at any moment. It’s dull, and dreary, and makes the world feel sluggish.</p><p>Yasha sighed. That didn’t make sense either. Still, Beau was patient. Concerned, but patient.</p><p>“That’s not right.” She thought for a moment. “I feel <em>awful,</em> <em>tired.</em> I feel as though a dark cloud is drifting above me constantly, and I cannot find the sunshine I usually see even from a distance. I like a heavy rain may wash me away.”</p><p>
  <strike> <em> And maybe it would be better if it did. </em> </strike>
</p><p>“And- I cannot stop thinking about...my lamenting,” Yasha took in a deep breath of air, “and I <em> know, </em> it is a wrong thing to think, but- sometimes it feels as if loving was a tragedy waiting to happen. It’s- <em> life </em> comes with losing things, and perhaps <em> everything, </em> but loving is inevitable, so...why should I feel as if I should <em> stop </em> loving?”</p><p>She stopped talking, looking away from Beau to the ground beneath her palms. The grass was a vibrant green, but the closer the storm clouds came, the grayer the world seemed.</p><p>Beau didn’t speak at first, but neither did Yasha.</p><p>“You know-” Beau started slowly, “being scared is totally okay, right?”</p><p>Yasha shrugged, “It is <em> love, </em> you should not be scared of it.”</p><p>“Well, that’s not fuckin’ true.”</p><p>Yasha looked up, brows knitted in confusion. Beau didn’t sound upset, more casual like it was a fact. </p><p>Beau spoke again before Yasha could reply.</p><p>“Look, Yash-” Beau turned her body to Yasha this time, “-everything is fuckin’ terrifying. <em> Including </em> love. You name it, it’s scared someone, or is right now. Death? You bet that’s scared, <em> everyone </em>. Life? Ab-so-fuckin-lutely. Jellyfish? That one is kind of weird, but sure! Grass? Well- it is creepy-”</p><p>Yasha snorted, and Beau smiled a little as she continued.</p><p>“Love? Especially love is scary.” </p><p>“But why? Why would that be-”</p><p>“Cause!” Beau’s hands shot out, grasping Yasha’s palms under her fingertips, “You’re putting <em> everything </em> on the line when you love. Whoever you love, may not love you back. <em> Anything </em> could happen to them. You- you- you’re making yourself vulnerable! That shit’s not easy!”</p><p>Beau squeezed her fingers.</p><p>“So like- <em> yeah, </em> maybe it feels ridiculous right <em> now </em> to feel scared of it, ‘cause of all the other things you feel too- but it’s like. It’s not. That’s part of the gamble. You <em> could </em> love someone and then the next minute...they’re not here anymore. Having to face more of that kind of pain and loss <em> is </em> terrifying. So being scared of it? That’s <em> okay </em>.”</p><p>Yasha sighed. Beau was right. There was still- more, more she couldn’t describe, but- it did help to be reassured <em> like this. </em></p><p>To finally not be told to just forget your fear. To give into love. To accept it or push it away completely- that how she felt was justified.</p><p>“I think it’s terrifying to face the possibility the people you let into your heart, could one day leave a hole there.”</p><p>“How do you face it, then?” Yasha asked softly.</p><p>Beau gave a sad smile, “Poorly, sometimes. That’s okay, we all cope like shit sometimes, but- mostly I look at everyone...you, and remind myself it may not feel like it <em> now, </em> but it’s worth it in the end.”</p><p>Yasha sucked in a deep breath, before letting it out slowly. Beau tried to pull back, but Yasha flipped their hands, grasping Beau’s with her own tightly. Beau smiled slowly then, and nodded, but didn’t let go.</p><p>The storm clouds grew closer. Beau stayed with her.</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>The storm was inevitable. </p><p>It was angry, thick. The thunder sounded like swords striking each other. The rain hit the ground around them heavily, like the sound of quick heavy steps running towards them. </p><p>It was a terrible storm. Dark. Almost pitch black except for the brilliant strikes of purples and blues as they hit the ground, illuminating the trees around them that at times looked like the haunting figures of people you once knew.</p><p>It was awful. Suffocating. <em> Heavy. </em></p><p>But it was passable.</p><p>Everyone but Yasha seemed to act as if they’d never seen it coming. Yasha truly began to wonder if she was the only one who saw it.</p><p>Beau stopped panicking and rushing everyone the moment she saw Yasha stand on the hill and look out towards the close bright colors in the sky.</p><p>Instead, she slowly took Yasha’s hand in her own and stood with her until they had no other choice but to find shelter. </p><p>
  <em> There will be people waiting for me. Always. It is okay. </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tumblr: tumblr: https://cardiaceyes.tumblr.com/</p></blockquote></div></div>
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